(written by Jody in 2006)
THERE are now six billion humans on this planet, soon to be twelve billion. Won’t that be nice? Won’t we all be twice as happy?
Oh, clap-clap-clap & Goody for us.
While you let that sink in for a minute, let me change the subject a bit, O.K.?
We all heard all this stuff about Scientology last year, and how bad it is, like, Tom Cruise jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch to proclaim his love for a girl or maybe a woman or something—showing, according to the great audience, far too much enthusiasm, right?
Not to mention all these talk show hosts going “Haw, haw! Blah blah blah” about the subject and on and on until it comes out your ears. Well, as your Roving Reporter I have a duty to perform; I must check out these things and see if they are good for YOU dear reader or not. So I went and enrolled in a Scientology course just to see what was going on and tell YOU about it, O.K.? I did this just for you so let’s see some appreciation please you varlets and plenty of it. Anyway--
Your reporter was placed in a class with about fifty other eager students, all of whom looked fairly sane, if I am any judge of sanity. (You over there, heckler in the propeller beanie: Shut the F. up! Save your insults for the Q and A period, kid) Anyway, this course I was in was called Student Hat. The first thing they had us do was read some material by Hubbard and then—I realize this may be too much for you to take, so please be sitting down—then we had to look up every word we didn’t fully understand! How outrageous was that?
Why, never in any of the public schools I attended did we ever have to do such a thing as actually look a word up in a dictionary; schools have plenty of free computers and electronic gadgets and “products” up the yingyang, but certainly they do not confuse us poor citizens with a stack of dictionaries at every desk But here in this classroom, well—those Scienty-whatevers, they are really wild and crazy. Because any word you didn’t fully understand you had to look up in a goddamn dictionary.
What an insult; what an unwarranted slap in the face! I was so mad. How dare they do this? Think how demeaning it was—exactly like saying, “Your educational system sucks and your Leaders have not the first idea what they are talking about.” I mean, how dare they! I had to look up a couple of hundred words—a day, that is! Were these beasts trying to say I was iggorunt?
Believe me I was mad as hell (and wasn’t going to take it anymore). But after a day or two—well, holy cheese whiz, not to mention wow. I had learned that when you go past some word you don’t understand, the rest of what you’re reading becomes a sort of a hazy blank, and there are other physical symptoms and actual illnesses caused by plowing through material you only half understand, which we all do all the time in our regular educational system, on a day-to-day basis with no questions asked. (It would be unpatriotic to question Authority, do not forget.) Anyway…
It made me very mad; it was like saying to us humans “You are being trained as a gaggle of compliant idiots but now hear this: If you mispronounce a word, you really don’t know what that word means and should go forthwith and look it up; for behold, if a Leader calls a word ‘nucular’ when it’s really ‘nuclear’ that person has no conception of what he or she is actually saying and should be regarded as dangerous to your safety.”
Why, I never! I was so mad I could spit, and did! This class implied that no wonder we are a bunch of brainwashed zombies listening all day long to advertising crap, all of which must be a million miles from the truth in order to get us to go out and buy the asinine junk they are flogging so intently, right? So you can see that Scientology IS BAD because it shows our whole educational system as being totally idiotic, and based on the lie of not knowing what we are saying, writing, thinking or doing, all day long. Should we put up with this? NO! We should stick up for our own educational system no matter how dumb it may be, right? Right! Because that’s the American way, right? Right!
Anyway, hey, I was talking about this Tom Cruise fellow who is a known Scientologist, can you imagine? And in light of that astounding piece of news, here is something even worse; they have a thing called an emotional tone scale. At the bottom is the guy who sighs and says “What’s the use?” being half dead and ready to fall over at a moment’s notice, and this is considered good. Just above that state comes the grief-stricken person, Boo Hoo all the time, and then the ashamed, embarrassed or afraid person, and then the sneaky knife-behind-the-back type guy, and then the ANGRY one and the hostile one; and these states of emotional tone are considered good because they are where most people ARE, see? And a bit above that is the Conservative person (fearful and uneasy, ramrod up fundament in order to be “safe” which he/she definitely is not) followed by the bored one, then the cheerful one, then the enthusiastic one—but hey, when you get enthusiastic you are getting above the public acceptance level.
You can’t be enthusiastic in this society! We-the-majority simply won’t tolerate it, because a “grieving” or “bored” or “angry” person will think you are CRAZY for having the sheer effrontery to dare to be enthusiastic. Golly. Look what they did to Howard Dean, remember him? Howard gave an enthusiastic yippee, thus proving his chin wasn’t safely resting on his shoe tops like everyone else’s, which is just not nice and made him lose the nomination for president. Because he should have remained very, very “serious” and “important” like a Bank President or somebody really Important, right? He should have been safely three-quarters dead like everybody else. You bet. Because if a person gets enthusiastic, why, our whole house of cards might collapse just like that (snaps fingers while appearing to be very Serious and Important).
So you can see at a glance that Scientology is bad, because it will make our whole way-of-life look like something made to order for brainwashed zombies, and that is insulting and makes me mad and ashamed and embarrassed and apathetic and afraid, etc., all of which is JUST NOT NICE!
And that is all I have to say on that subject, so goodbye until next time my dear friends. Let me know what you think. I hope that you, too, agree that it’s highly intelligent to agree that looking up words in a dictionary is bad, because our Bible-God told us to remain on our knees and never, never reach for a dictionary because if you do, why, our whole house of cards could collapse and that would be awful.
Anyway I got to go now, it’s time for my shock treatment and drug “therapy” and some other nice things the System uses to keep us sheepies in line for shearing time so we can have plenty of wars so the government can tap our phones and pick our pockets to give our money to their rich pals and make it be totally unpatriotic to protest, or to speak our mind, ha ha on you, sucker! See what I mean? So anyway, ta ta for now and also Baaa, BaAaaa: remember to apologize a lot while giving generously of your wool and NEVER look ANY WORD up in a dictionary because you might discover that we’ve been turned into brainwashed zombies and that wouldn’t be flattering, so we Americans won’t stand for it.
Because we want to be flattered by TV commercials all day long, and that’s the truth so remember: do not rock the boat at any time, sucka! Just go along with the herd and you’ll be safe. (Unless or until one of those six-or-twelve billion little darlings decides to drop a bomb on our pointy Murkin heads, right? Like boom! Not to mention zowie.) Meanwhile: Love to everyone,
Ever your sincere and fearless front-line reporter,
For more information check out The Beginner's Guide to L. Ron Hubbard on YouTube,
or read this article on Vice, or go to Wikipedia.